2009 April « Muscleyarm’s WebNog

Albino Squirrel/Asian Mail Carrier

April 29, 2009 at 12:30 pm | In Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Tags: Albino Squirrel, Asian Mail Carrier, lazy bastard, Minneapolis Mail Carrier

For those of you not in the know, I have been living in Anoka at my parent’s house for the past month. There is a beautifully exotic albino squirrel that hops around the yard from time to time. It’s kind of a slut, so it will leave for weeks on end to chew on the nuts of (presumably) our neighbor’s. Then it will come back like a friendly little pixie, expecting treats and frolicks in the green grass.

On another note, we have an attractive Asian Mail Carrier. I was taking out the garbage the other day and he waved to me. That’s one step closer to intercourse. The Mail Carriers here are much nicer than in Minneapolis. I once caught my Mail Carrier saying “Come get your package, you lazy bastard,” as I walked down the hall, because I though he was a guest I was expecting and I kept trying to buzz him in. He wasn’t so bad, though. We laughed about it and he called me by my full name. Because he read my mail.

The End.

Coffee Brands from America’s Finest Big Business Retailers:

April 28, 2009 at 9:29 am | In Uncategorized | 4 Comments
Tags: costco coffee, sams club coffee, velvet hammer coffee, walmart coffee

My friend’s father reluctantly bought him a large bag of coffee beans recently from Sams Club. It is a dark roast by the name of Velvet Hammer. The name seemed wrong to me, more like a dumb band name, but the coffee surprised me in a dark and strong way and pretty soon I was running off to the bathroom to drop (ahem) a Velvet Hammer, so to speak. So it got me thinking and I did a little research:

Sam’s Club:

Marques de Paiva (is this anything like Marquis de Sade?)

Barista Brava

Zavida

Velvet Hammer

Member’s Mark

Costco:

o Magnum

o Wissotzky (tea)

o Harry and David Tower of Chocolates (confection)

Walmart:

Mr. Bond

Bustelo

Pilon

Market Side

Machotes (coffee substitute)

Supreme, by Bustelo

Community

Chock Full O’ Nuts

Master Chef

Landwer

Don Francisco’s

All of these coffee brands are very versatile. Try saying this sentence using any of the above coffee names to fill in the blank.

“Man, I really gotta take a _______________!”

Samples:

1. “Man, I really gotta take a Machotes!”

2. “Man, I really gotta take a Supreme, by Bustelo!”

3. “Oh man, I’m gonna have the whole Community over for a pool party in like three seconds. Get the fuck out of the bathroom!”

4. “I’m off to sculpt a Harry and David Tower of Chocolates. Don’t wait up.”

5. “This Magnum is making my ass explode.”

And so forth.

This is sure to keep many a child and feeble-minded adult busy and amused for hours.

Enjoy!

This is Too Delicious

April 14, 2009 at 7:17 pm | In Uncategorized | 5 Comments
Tags: born againers, frumpy fashions, haters, hoes, players, trick ass marks

There’s this born-again dude from the south named James Lyman who has a crazy as hell website out there. He has a ton of scary photographs with a lot of misguided and hateful people holding up misguided and hateful signs on this site. And what’s even scarier, is the fact that my father would probably agree with much of what these signs say. Here’s a taste: