2008 August « Muscleyarm’s WebNog

Scape Goat

The Most Boring Blog in MN

August 25, 2008 at 4:53 pm | In Uncategorized | 2 Comments
Tags: over-the-glasses sunglasses, the club anti-theft device, too many exclamation points

That’s what this is turning into, but screw it. Let’s go bowling.

So, I’ve turned into the super ultra geek of the driving world in less than a week. Once revered and feared among pimps and hoes alike, now ridiculed and tailgated relentlessly. Yeah, I used an adverb. And I liked it.

Here are some steps that will further aide me in my transformation:

Step One: Remove Jesus Fish from bumper. Sorry Mom. Sorry Jesus.

Step Two: I now use The Club Anti-theft device. Sigh.

Step Three: I believe I may be in the market for those over-the-glasses sunglasses that all the oldies wear. Did you just get your eyes dilated? Grrrrrowwlll!

This post probably makes me sound wholly ungrateful, but I’m not. I realize my good fortune in acquiring a car so quickly. I’m not spoiled, nor do a come from a rich family, so don’t you all be hatin!

Do people still say that? “Don’t you be hatin’.”? Did I punctuate that correctly? Why am I talking to myself?

Super Geek! Super gas mileage! I kind of like my new car! There’s a tape deck! I can play my Public Enemy tape again!

Hello Again Mercury Tracer (AKA Ford Escort in Disguise)

August 23, 2008 at 4:06 pm | In Uncategorized | 5 Comments
Tags: Jesus Fish Tattoo, Mercury Tracer

Well, I must say that I’m very lucky to have such great parents. My mom has wanted to buy a new car for a couple of years now, so she bought a new car and gave me her 1998 Mercury Tracer. I know Tracers. I lived it for seven years prior to the pimp Delta.

I miss my Delta, and maybe I’ll see it again, but it didn’t get very good gas mileage and I have a sneaking suspicion that it may have needed some major repairs. Maybe there is a silver lining in all of this nonsense.

In other news, my father just got his first tattoo. This is the man who has condemned tattoos as the mark of the beast for as long as I can remember. And dig this: He got a Jesus Fish arm band with a cross on his bicep, which he designed himself. I was speechless!

“Why, oh why did you get a tattoo?” I asked.

“Well, I got a temporary tattoo at the Back to the Fifties car show and when it wore off, I kinda missed it.”

He got his tattoo done at Forever Yours in Anoka. It looks pretty good. I mean if you’re into that kind of thing.

Please, I Repent, Just Stop the Shit Shower

August 21, 2008 at 3:55 pm | In Uncategorized | 8 Comments
Tags: woe is me

I must have done something really wrong because my karma has been especially bad lately. Not only did my car get stolen and I couldn’t go make money yesterday, but now I have a summer cold. It started yesterday in my throat and now my whole head feels oozy.

I could not nurse myself back to health today (shut up perverts). Instead, I rode my bike 5 miles to the Kenwood neighborhood to clean a big ass house. Afterwards, I got to ride my bike 5 miles back to my house, where I arrived sweaty, thirsty and starving.

I just ate a huge plate of pasta and two pieces of toast.

Woe is me!

Stolen Car

August 20, 2008 at 9:34 am | In Uncategorized | 6 Comments
Tags: overuse of the F word, stolen car, the dude

Some punk-ass fuckers stole my mother-f-ing car today. WTF?!!

I finally live in a decent-like neighborhood and my fucking car gets fucking stolen in the fucking parking lot. Sure, when I had my Mercury Tracer, those bitch ass’ broke in and stole crap like an ice scraper and a CD player from 1999, but to steal a 1988 Delta Eighty-Eight Olds in the middle of the night? The caretaker here said that Oldsmobiles are the most stolen vehicle in Minneapolis, mainly for parts. REALLY? I HAD NO IDEA. THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME THAT. AFTER THE FACT!

“What you need to buy is a club lock for your steering wheel. They’re $50 bucks at Target,” he said.

Well, that advice really doesn’t do much for me at the moment, seeing as I have no fucking car. I keep thinking about how The Dude got his car stolen and when he found it at the impound lot it was beat the fuck up (even more so).

If my car is found and smells/looks like shit…

I don’t know what I will do. Looks like another day off for me.

A Word From Our Friend Günter

August 19, 2008 at 11:20 am | In Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: Gunter updates

Hello dear friends of the internet! It’s me, Günter! I have so much to tell you of my enlightened experiences from this summer. First and foremost, father has lifted my ban from computers and he has ended my grounding sentence (for those of you unaware, I was confined to my bedroom for an indefinite amount of time for talking slang to my mother while she was breastfeeding my five year old sister Gerta, and licking dog balls on Myspace with my friend Jorge).

Life is so great! Father has taken me to the badehaus a few times now and I’m excited to say that I have officially become a man. Father picked her out at the badehaus especially for me, as he knows my affinity for many moles and mustaches. What a looker, as they say.

Also, Jorge and I have built a special fort for the neighborhood boys’ enjoyment. We spend hours upon hours in our fort reading Mad Magazine, the Wall Street Journal, and a special pictorial magazine devoted to the big of foot.

And did I mention that I’m starting the 7^th grade? Perhaps next time I write I will have a girlfriend. Don’t worry; I will continue to share every intimate detail about my journey through puberty with you all.

I trust you!

With affection,

Günter

High Art

August 18, 2008 at 9:54 am | In Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Tags: dr. phil, non-fan art

I’m looking to get this framed for the bathroom:

Muskrat Sally

August 18, 2008 at 9:25 am | In Uncategorized | 2 Comments
Tags: muskrat, over-the-glasses sunglasses

I saw a muskrat yesterday on my bike ride through Fort Snelling park. At first I thought it was a beaver. Then I thought it was a rat. Turns out its a muskrat.

It was gorging itself on greens and stuffing them into his cheek pouches.

It perplexed me:

And amazed me:

Then it pooped. I’m not sure if it was healthy or not. It didn’t seem to hear, smell, or see me. It ran when I blew on its silky fur and fell over a couple of times. I know that it is a water rat, so maybe it didn’t have its land legs.

Nature is neat.

So Excited About the F-ing Olympics

August 16, 2008 at 7:33 pm | In Uncategorized | 1 Comment
Tags: Olympics, Schmidt's Gay, Tyson Gay

Is anyone aware that there is a USA Olympic athlete by the name of Tyson Gay?

What?

Grow up.

My Tips on How to Self-Destruct

August 16, 2008 at 5:54 pm | In Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Tags: drinking rubbing alcohol, eating cat food, red lobster lighthouse glasses, self-destructive tendencies, smoking

Born under the Gemini Moon on the cusp of Sagittarius, as well as in the year of the Snake, I’ve had plenty of practice in the arts of self-destructiveness destruction. I put together a little pictorial of some of my favorite mistakes:

Eating cat food:

Along with a steady diet of Pizza Rolls:

I also enjoy mixing iced tea with Rubbing Alcohol in a Red Lobster lighthouse glass:

Don’t forget to continue smoking, start smoking again, or pick up smoking.

And when in doubt, always chose the wrong thing, even after you’ve learned that you can break a finger by trying to grab the piece of cheese out of the mouse trap. The bottom line here is, Be An Idiot!

I know you can do it!