2008 January « Muscleyarm’s WebNog

DJ Gunt

January 29, 2008 at 12:00 am | In Gunter | 3 Comments
Tags: German boy gone bad

Yo Yo Yo dawgs, DJ Gunt in da house! I was jus chillin with my shorty, Mommy Longlegs and rapping about the mean streets of Germany when I thought Yo Bitch I need to go to the breastraunt and get me some pancakes and leider-hoes, you know what I’m saying? Yeah, my hommies and me are gonna get stupid tonight and lick a bunch of dog balls. Yee, yee! I’m totally rebelling!

Bread Making Day

January 27, 2008 at 12:00 am | In bread | 3 Comments
Tags: bread making, cinnamon life cereal, sylvia plath

This is one of my favorite times of the week because making bread requires covering the dough with a heavy cloth to keep it warm for rising purposes. I don’t own a heavy cloth, but I do own a few pairs of Hanes men’s briefs.

The secret ingredient is Drano.

No Krissy! Don’t go Sylvia Plath on us! (Besides, you’re doing it wrong dumbass).

Has it risen yet? If the tag says size 44, it’s ready!

Beautiful.

Now stick it in a preheated oven and set the timer.

Hello Owl!

And there you have it. A nice, hunky loaf of bread with savory herbs.

Violent Bunny Put Down Old World Style

January 25, 2008 at 12:00 am | In bunnies | 4 Comments

I hate this rabbit. And I hate that I hate this rabbit. But I had to put him down because he was fixing to attack me with his ferocious hind legs.

First I threw him to the ground

Then I told him to “Wipe that smile off your face!”

So I wiped it for him like this

And like this

I pinned him to the ground

Then I grabbed him by the ears and drop-kicked him

Through the air!

Down and out!

Don’t mess with me. My school offers a Criminal Law Enforcement degree and I may have access to those lectures.

Bad Ideas dot com.

January 23, 2008 at 12:00 am | In advice | 3 Comments

Be Nice!!

January 19, 2008 at 7:18 pm | In Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

Come on now. I’m not Günter. I look nothing like Günter. And the picture of Günter is not my hospital badge photo. I’m not a 12 year old German boy. I’m a full grown ‘Merican woman, so be nice!!

Compare:

Günter

See the difference?

Günter on Manhood

January 19, 2008 at 12:00 am | In Gunter | 2 Comments
Tags: bath house, man trip, manhood

Today father is taking me to the badehaus. I am very excitened by this new horizon of manhood. What a wonderful father to hold my hand while I hold a soft and warm brust. I haven’t been in close proximity to those women treasures since I suckled on my mother’s muttermilch seven years ago. Of course Mother put up some protest to our manly field trip, but father put his foot down. He fears that if I do not begin my education of women, I might become stunted in that subject and never lose my jungfraeulichkeit. Being twelve years old is such a beautiful adventure!

Love,

Günter

Sexy Hand

January 17, 2008 at 12:00 am | In ham | 2 Comments
Tags: drunk hand, hand gone wild

What’s that Hand? You’re too tired tonight? Not into it?

Here, have a little chocolate.

Hey, George Clooney is on the phone for you.

Why don’t you have some beer?

And while you’re at it, slip into something more comfortable.

Uh, oh, looks like you’re getting a little out of um…sorts.

Oh shit, you passed out in your own vomit.

I really have to revamp my date rape plan.

I Care About Animals

January 13, 2008 at 12:00 am | In Isobel | 2 Comments

Last year Isobel caught real sick. I found her under my couch after a few hours of wondering where she was but taking no action. She didn’t even look like my cat. She was pale and limp. This happened to her another time, in the year 2000. I rushed her to the emergency room where they kept her overnight on a saline drip. I cried many crocodile tears.

This last sickness of hers was disconcerting, but I felt that I could nurse her back to health. So I wrapped her in a blanket like this:

With her stuffed puppy dog.

I fed her water through a dropper since she wasn’t drinking on her own. This seemed to work. It was a rough couple of days, but by day three Isobel was eating and drinking on her own.

And that is how I became a full time veterinarian.

Oh, Bear

January 10, 2008 at 1:00 am | In bears | 2 Comments
Tags: bears

Bear used to looks so plush and new a year ago, until I got my hands on him:
New

Old

Even though I’ve thoroughly destroyed him, we’ve had a lot of fun together.
I taught him to play piano

Guitar

Indoor bike riding

And good ol’ fashioned relaxing

He’s a good learner, listener, and friend.
He also makes a good pillow.

Oops, better feed Bear before I go to work!