Vati Berichtigen
December 31, 2007 at 1:00 am | In Gunter | 1 CommentTags: Translation software
Mein Vater und ich haben gebildet! Wir befaßten uns mit diesem Tag am
Berlin Zoo und wir verglichen unsere Geschichten, Gedanken
und Gefühle über die Situation. Wir kamen zur Zusammenfassung, daß
sie alle ein Mißverständnis war und wir wieder Vater und Sohn sind.
Und wir haben Überschuß unsere geteilte Liebe von Knut der
erstaunliche polare Bär abgebunden. So werde ich Deutsches wieder
sprechen! Selbstverständlich benutze ich eine Mischung von deutschem
und von Englisch, also können alle meine neuen englischen und
amerikanischen Freunde mich verstehen.
Liebe und Glück,
Gunter
Daddy Do Wrong
December 30, 2007 at 1:00 am | In Gunter | 2 CommentsTags: daddy do wrong, knut, polar bear, zoo
I got spanked today. I am so angry I am forbidding myself from speaking German. I will not use the language of my father anymore! Usually I am grateful for my punishments, as they help to build strong character, but this time I did no wrong-doing. It was my daddy that did wrong.My family and I were enjoying a day at the zoo yesterday and we visited the usual animals: Knut the Polar Bear, Giraffe, and Zebra. Seeing these animals made my eyes wide with wonder. Especially Knut.
Knut was showing off his round bottom to all the guests and we laughed at his antics. My stupid father did not find this funny and he yelled at everyone to be quiet and respectful to Knut. A man yelled back at my father and told him to quit being a dickenschlager. I laughed.
But not at my father. Knut had just tumbled onto his little polar bear head and this pleased me.
My father took my laughter as disrespect and he yanked my short pants down and paddled my ass raw. All in front of everyone!
I will never live this down and I will never forgive my horrible daddy.
Sadly,
Günter
Peanut Butter Pie
December 29, 2007 at 1:00 am | In Sir Wiggle Bottoms | Leave a CommentTags: peanut butter pie, Sir Wiggle Bottoms
Don’t know why I did it, but I done did and that’s that. You don’t know nothin bout me and how I was brought up, so there’s no sense in trying to put a finger on who’s to blame here.
I done did it and that’s all there is to it.
What?
You’re gonna judge?
After all we been through, you’re gonna judge me for baking a got-dammed pie for Sir Wiggle Bottoms? Yeah, I know I’ve said enough against the man to be convicted in a court a law, but I’m telling you that that pie was a sincere gesture of fraternity. How was I supposed to know he was allergic to peanut butter?
A man can’t do nothin nice these days without catching hell for it, can’t he? Not even to his sworn enemy.
Wahl, shoot.
Günter’s New Year’s Resolutions
December 26, 2007 at 1:00 am | In Gunter | 2 CommentsTags: billy goats, modern literature, showers, smoking
Günter again. I have been thinking very hard about the coming year and how I might be a better person if I denied myself certain pleasures.1. Quit rauchend zigaretten.
2. Stop ficken der barnyard geissboecke.
3. Eat less old muschi.
4. Respect my schwanz.
5. Read more gegenwartsliteratur.
6. Take more duschen and clean under my hodensack.
There are more things I need to do in order to live right, but I must sleep on it before I come to more conclusions.
Until next time,
Günter
One Bad Mutha
December 25, 2007 at 1:00 am | In Isobel | 1 CommentTags: cats, electric blanket, murder, poor dental hygeine, puke
Yo Krissy,
I’m going to kill you. First, I’m going turn your electric blanket on high. You’ll become so dehydrated, you will not be able to move. Second, I will force-feed you my cat food. Your teeth will not be able to properly masticate my hard food, and they will break off. Third, you will die a slow and painful death from dehydration and starvation. Last, I will puke on your face.
Bone-In
December 24, 2007 at 1:00 am | In ham | 2 CommentsTags: bone-in, Christmas ham, cliched phrase
“Looks like he shoved two fine Christmas hams down the back of his pants.”
Günter’s Bad Day
December 22, 2007 at 1:00 am | In Gunter | 2 CommentsTags: deutsche boy, Elementarschule, kick ball, Schaddenfreud, scheisse
Günter here again. Today at Elementarschule the other boys were picking on me. They said that I did not know how to kick the ball in a satisfactory fashion. I try and I try, but with no success. My father says the other boys have a bad case of schaddenfreud. That did not help me much. Scheisse! What is a little Deutsche boy to do?
Yours,
Günter
Why Don’t He Write?
December 20, 2007 at 1:00 am | In letters | Leave a CommentTags: diapers, Iraq, pumpkin pie filling, relationships, Wal-Mart
My boyfriend Germy was shipped out to the new Wal-Mart store in Iraq a couple of weeks ago. They are having their grand opening soon and they need Germy’s knowledge of diaper stacking in order to achieve a pleasing display. Dang, my man has such a strong work-ethic. I would have gone with him, but when it comes to stacking and displaying, I’m all thumbs. I’m glad he’s being a man and providing for me, but he hasn’t sent home any money and I’ve eaten the last can of pumpkin pie filling. And honestly, that pie filling was giving me the shits, so it wasn’t doing much good anyways.
I know he’s busy, but why don’t he write?
Nom de Plume
December 19, 2007 at 1:00 am | In names | 4 CommentsTags: covet, death, Jesus Rodriguez, pen names, searching
Billy thought his name was too plain. Sure, he could have used any of the variations his name was entangled with: William, Slick Willy, Bill, Billiam, Ronald…but none of those names formed a deep resonance within his soul. In his search, Billy devoured baby name books by the handful.
Hmm, Ashton? No, too girly. January? No, too frigid. Jesus Rodriguez? Naw, too Biblical. Without an attention grabbing pen name, I will have no chance of becoming a successful writer.
He searched and searched and fell upon a few good ones. So he made a list and put it under his pillow and fell asleep.
v Harry Carr
v Bony Guy
v Saddam Hoesain
v Loni Lawless
v Theartis Prince
The next morning Billy woke up dead with a quill stuck in his carotid artery.
The point is, do not covet another name. Be happy with the shitty nom your parents gave you.
Thomas the Tank Engine’s Friends Are Jerks
December 18, 2007 at 1:00 am | In Henry the Steam Engine | Leave a CommentTags: jerks, sawed-off, trains, whiskey
Click on this: (one of my hairs got into panel four by accident)
Muscley Arm’s Webnog
I will paint your Easter Eggs and then eat them.
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