2007 November « Muscleyarm’s WebNog

A Stalker That Almost Was

November 29, 2007 at 4:05 am | In alcoholics | Leave a Comment
Tags: Post-It Note, Texas, transitions lenses, two-step

Damn. This was last year. I sat down at the bar and read a biography on the life of Nikola Tesla when a man with transitions lenses took a seat next to me. Alright, so we talked about chili and I think he taught me how to two-step, but as soon as he grabbed my side and said “I’d like to sleep with you,” I knew it was over. I stopped talking to him after that, but he persisted. He even gave me this Post-It note:

How romantic!

HELP!

November 28, 2007 at 10:20 am | In charlie | 2 Comments
Tags: bad neighbors, dog porn, embarrassment

I recently found out that my dog is posing pornographically for the internet!

How the hell am I supposed to show my face around my prestigious community? Tj and Ronald and Neighborhood Bruce will shun me for sure. How could my dog do this to me?

Restraining Was In Order

November 27, 2007 at 11:54 am | In Isobel | 3 Comments
Tags: playing the victim card

Last night my cat Isobel attacked me, so I filed a restraining order against her. This new attack is no surprise, as she has been threatening me for some time now. I’m tired of the harassing phone calls and deceitful letters. Last night as I walked through my front door, Isobel lunged at my feet, causing me to lose my balance. I fell on my bottom and she began biting and hitting and scratching. It happened so fast. I was able to grab my cell phone and run out the door. The police came and hauled her away. I’m so upset! How could things go so horribly wrong?

Advice By Doctor Papasmurf, MD

November 25, 2007 at 10:35 am | In advice | 3 Comments
Tags: addiction, advice, carrots, eating disorders, nutrition

Dear Doctor Papasmurf, MD,

I fear that I may have an addiction to carrots. I can’t help myself! Anytime I’m under stress or when I’m hungry, I reach for a carrot. I like the taste and crunch. I don’t know what to do!

Sincerely,

Worried

Dear Worried,

Ever think about taking up cigarette smoking? Don’t be fooled by the health warnings. Cigarettes are a proven cure for carrot addiction. Try it! You might be surprised by the results.

Cordially,

Doctor Papasmurf, MD

Dear Grover Cleveland

November 11, 2007 at 10:56 am | In Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dear Grover Cleveland,

I’m writing to inform you of Isobel’s devious plans to kidnap your daughter, Kristina. I over heard her discussing the plan in an alleyway with the illustrious Captain Gray Beard. I know that this news may come as a shock as Gray Beard is your daughter’s fiance, but know that I am telling the truth.

Meet me at the corner of 5th and Lexington with a sack of Arby’s 5 for 5 roast beef sandwiches and I’ll tell you more.

Earnestly,

Anonymous

Elephant

November 9, 2007 at 2:34 pm | In Steve Irwin, childcare, elephants | Leave a Comment

What will I be when I’m an adult? A zoologist? An astronaut? A brain surgeon? I think this elephant ride will really broaden my horizons and open up new doors for me. I mean, the Crocodile Hunter is guiding this elephant, for god’s sakes. Celebrity is imminent.
Do you think that Tiffany will put out a new album soon?

At school, I’m using my pencil box as a home for my rodent figurine. He sleeps on cotton balls and gets drunk off of pencil shavings. I also store my collection of dried glue “skins” in there.

Mr. Wick slammed Chris Grabrick’s head on his desk yesterday. He probably deserved it.

Chris Grabrick used to chase me on the playground.

He drew a picture of a hand grabbing a brick to illustrate his surname.

My favorite food is lasagna.

My feet smell because I don’t wear socks.

I never brush my hair.

I love Mad magazine.

Do you think this elephant misses his mommy?

Scandal!!

November 8, 2007 at 11:24 am | In celebrity gossip | Leave a Comment

Scandalous! Celebrity debutant Miss Piggy was seen canoodling with ET, the extraterrestrial (redundant?) in the VIP room of a posh Martha’s Vineyard restaurant over the weekend.

“They looked flirty and cozy,” said a waitress who worked that evening. “They looked in love.”

Does this mean the end of Kermit and Miss Piggy? When asked to comment, the publicist of Miss Piggy said “Oh shit, dawg, ET is banging the hell out of that pig.”

ET’s publicist was unavailable for comment.

Kermit’s jealous, drunken tirade can be seen on tmz.com.

For more celebrity news: Peep-Hole.com

Dear Isobel

November 8, 2007 at 12:43 am | In Uncategorized | Leave a Comment

Dear Isobel,

No, I won’t marry you! How devilish! How positively forward of you! I have barely known your face for a fortnight and already you are proposing marriage? Well, if you were standing before me at this very instant, I would remove my white glove and strike you across the face! You know that I have been betrothed to the illustrious Captain Gray Beard. I have known him since birth; he has changed my soiled pantaloons, for heaven’s sake. Wait until I tell Grover Cleveland about this.

Isobel, you have insulted my honor.

Tersely,

Krissy

Robots?

November 7, 2007 at 7:32 am | In bears, predictions, relationships, robots, science | Leave a Comment

In the future, there will be a superior hybrid of Robot Bear. Why Robot Bear? Well, robots have been proven to relieve stress, create more productive work relations, and increase libido. Bears have been proven to be very useful as a source of textiles: Slippers, coats, plush toys for children, false teeth for the elderly, etc. You take the very best of the robot and the bear, mix them together and viola! You have a Robot Bear that can comfort as well as make you horny. In short, the future looks very bright, indeed.